Christmas Lights

Christmas lights are essential for Santa to see your home this holiday season. Without Christmas lights there is no rooftop landing strip or taxiway for Old Nick.

In fact, putting up an air traffic control tower upon the rooftop wouldn't be a bad idea this holiday season.

This control tower would, of course, have one big revolving Christmas light upon it signaling Santa to move into the air traffic pattern and approach on Final. For some households, hover, this may be a bit too much.

But, for those who truly wish to overdo it this Xmas season, putting as many Christmas lights upon one's home is the way to go. In fact, buying out the local hardware store so that you get all of the Christmas lights and your neighbors get none is also and excellent idea.

Xmas is the season of giving, so give yourself the gift of excessive Christmas lights this holiday and flood your neighborhood with green and red flashing lights so that all the little epileptic children will have seizures and be rushed to the hospital.

The wonderful aspect about Christmas lights is that you can put them on your home, in the bushes, on the trees, and upon the family dog and cat. Or, the pets may not like this one bit, but a bit of duct tape should help matters immensely.

Christmas lights around the mailbox is another excellent idea. This will give vandals in the neighbor an excellent target at night as they are driving by with their baseball bats smashing postal receptacles.

Some people actually put Christmas lights upon their lawns as well. Why, I couldn't say. Perhaps this is to give the gophers much needed light. Or perhaps, putting Christmas lights on their lawn is their way of saying, "Yes, I'm an idiot and I don't know what I'm doing. But Merry Xmas anyway."